How Do I Find the Right Therapist for Me?

Finding the right therapist the first time might feel like a lot of pressure. Therapy is expensive, time-consuming, and risky (vulnerable) so of course you want to get it right. It’s even normal to ask yourself “what if I choose the wrong one?” It’s such a valid fear, but it also doesn’t have to stop you from getting the support you need.

What “The Right Therapist” Really Means

People often talk about finding “the best therapist”, but that is entirely subjective. What you actually might be looking for is someone who is the right fit for you at the time that you’re seeking therapy. A good fit should include these three non-negotiables:

1. Emotional safety: Your ability to feel like you can be honest without being judged or shamed by your therapist

2. Connection: You’re vibing together, you feel understood, you feel respected, and you actually enjoy your therapist

3. Therapeutic alignment: The way that your therapist does their work makes sense to you and meets your needs whether that be a specific modality like EMDR or an overall lens like feminist perspective and a person-centered approach.

There are a lot of therapy styles out there like EMDR, IFS, CBT, somatic therapy and while those can matter, the relationship itself is often the most important factor. This relationship is called the therapeutic relationship and it’s the foundation of therapy where trust is built and healing can happen. You don’t need to become an expert in therapy modalities to start or even know the therapy lingo. You just need someone who feels like they get you and has the tools to help.

Where to Start Looking

If you’ve ever opened a therapy directory like Psychology Today or even Googled “therapist near me”, you know how overwhelming it can get. Everyone sounds compassionate. Everyone “holds space.” So how do you narrow it down?

• Look for specificity: Do they clearly name the issues they work with (trauma, anxiety, identity, burnout), or is it vague?

• Notice their tone: Do they sound human? Relatable? Or overly clinical and generic?

• Check for lived experience or cultural understanding if that matters to you

You can find therapists through online directories, referrals from your doctors or friends, or insurance panels. Pay attention to who you feel drawn to and don’t dismiss your intuition.

Questions You’re Allowed to Ask

You’re not just showing up to be evaluated, you’re also allowed to evaluate them.

Whether it’s a consultation or your first session, you can ask things like:

• “What’s your experience working with what I’m dealing with?”

• “What does therapy with you usually look like?”

• “What do you do if a client feels stuck or like it’s not working?”

• “What approaches do you use, and how do you decide what to use?”

• “What are your political beliefs?” (you can always ask personal questions like this one if you also believe therapy is political and you want to seek services from people who are politically aligned and social justice oriented)

If a therapist can’t answer these clearly or gets defensive, that’s useful information.

Signs You Might Be in the Right Place

There doesn’t need to be an a-ha moment or an immediate connection, but over time, you might notice:

• You feel safe enough to be honest with your thoughts and feelings and not just the “acceptable” version 

• They listen more than they lecture

• You feel understood in a deeper way, not just labeled

• There’s collaboration (you’re part of the process because it is your treatment, not being talked at)

• You leave sessions feeling engaged, reflective, or stirred (not necessarily “better” every time)

When Something Feels Off

Not every uncomfortable feeling is a bad sign because therapy can be uncomfortable. There is a difference between discomfort that leads somewhere and discomfort that feels like misattunement or that you’re not getting what you need.

Pay attention if:

• You consistently feel dismissed, judged, or misunderstood

• The therapist dominates the conversation or gives nonstop advice (a common myth is that we’re advice givers, we are not. We just facilitate you to answer your own stuck points)

• You feel stuck in surface-level conversations with no direction on diving deeper or doing the work that you set out to do

• There’s a lack of cultural awareness or sensitivity

• Your gut keeps saying something’s off and it doesn’t improve

Just like following your instinct with finding a therapist, follow your instinct when it comes to something feeling off. Ask questions, bring it up in session, and collaborate with your therapist to make it better or end services to look for another therapist.

What If You Pick the “Wrong” Therapist?

I’m not sure if there is such a thing as a “wrong” therapist, but there are definite misaligntments and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean therapy didn’t work or that you did something wrong, it just is the way it is. Here are your options when you find yourself wondering if your therapist isn’t the right fit:

1. Name it: You can tell your therapist if something isn’t landing

2. Adjust: Sometimes small shifts improve the dynamic and that can be a collaborative thing

3. Leave: You’re allowed to find someone else

A lot of people quietly stay in therapy that isn’t helping because they don’t want to hurt the therapist’s feelings or “start over.” I completely understand that, but it would only be harming you by taking away your time and money instead of serving you. This is your space so you get to choose what works.

How to Leave or Switch Therapists

This step can be as simple as telling your therapist things like:

• “I’ve been reflecting, and I think I need a different approach.”

• “I appreciate your help, but I’m going to explore other options.”

A good therapist will respect that and even help you find a better fit.

You Just Have to Start

The pressure to choose the “right” therapist can keep people stuck longer than anything else. Sometimes, the therapist doesn’t feel “right” immediately, clarity often comes through the experience, not before it. You might not know exactly what you need until you’re sitting across from a therapist. Trust your gut, ask questions, and advocate for yourself when things feel amiss. 

• Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC