Mental Health Blog : Therapy Tips, Coping Tools & Insights
Queer-Affirming Therapy: What It Is and Why It Matters
Happy pride month!! June is here and June is queer. In a world that often minimizes or even just ignores the experiences of queer and trans people, the space of mental health therapy should be a place for safety and feeling fully seen. Historically, therapy has been far from safe and affirming for many LGBTQIA+ folks from outright harm to microaggressions. Clinical spaces have reinforced trauma rather than healed it so this is where queer-affirming therapy comes in. What is queer-affirming therapy and why does it matter? We’ll get to the what down below, but as for the why, it’s a matter of caring about clients’ safety and valuing justice within the therapeutic relationship and systemically. Queer-affirming therapy matters not just in the month of June, but always.
🌈 What is Queer-Affirming Therapy?
Queer-affirming therapy is an approach that affirms, celebrates, and highlights the identities and experiences of LGBTQIA+ individuals. It’s not just “accepting”, it’s actively affirming, which means your therapist is not just neutral, your therapist understands systemic oppression, uses inclusive language, respects your lived experiences, and is continuously working to unlearn their own biases. It also means your therapist:
Never pathologizes queerness
Centers your autonomy
Recognizes the impact of internalized shame, family rejection, gender dysphoria, and more
Affirms your identity without you needing to educate them
Supports your exploration of gender, sexuality, and relational structure (including non-monogamy, chosen-family, etc.) without judgement
⚠️ Why it’s Not Just About Being “LGBT- Friendly”
While well-intentioned, it may not be the same thing as affirming. Friendliness can be surface-level. Affirming care goes deeper. This well-intentioned stance can inadvertently cause more harm where clients can encounter:
Assumptions about gender, sexuality, and relationships that can be rooted in cishet norms
Minimizations of trauma related to religious harm, rejection or discrimination
A lack of knowledge around queer-specific issues from navigating hormones to complex grief
Affirming therapy is a place where you don’t have to mask yourself. Your therapist is doing the ongoing work to meet you where you are.
🧠 Why Queer-Affirming Therapy Matters
For LGBTQIA+ people, mental health struggles are often tied with living in a society where your existence is politicized, sexualized, misunderstood, erased, or demonized, you name it. Underneath the surface, that can look like:
Chronic stress
Anxiety
Hypervigilance
Grief
Internalized shame
Depression
Somatic symptoms like GI issues, physical pain, fatigue, etc.
Queer-affirming therapy holds space for all of this with deep respect and care for all complex emotions including celebrating queer joy and reclamation of that joy to find your way back to playfulness, pleasure, and pride.
💬 What a Queer-Affirming Space Might Include
At Root and Ember Counseling PLLC, queer-affirming care means I hold the space where your identity isn’t just accepted, it’s celebrated. Depending on your needs, our work together might include:
Building our therapeutic relationship safely at the pace that you set (this is foundational)
Exploring identity without pressure to label or explain
Learn to set boundaries in unsupportive relationships
Heal trauma and rewrite narratives
Reconnect with your body safely in a way that honors your gender and nervous system
Support you in existing and new relationships and celebrating joy
I integrate trauma-informed modalities like IFS, and EMDR and always honor your autonomy, our therapeutic relationship, and a non-pathologizing lens in our work together.
It’s okay to ask questions, it’s okay to be cautious, it’s okay to try new therapists, it’s okay to take your time, it’s okay to protect your energy. If you ever want to explore therapy, you deserve a space that meets you with warmth, safety, and clarity. I’d love to walk alongside you. Schedule a free consultation here.
Sam Villarreal
Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Melinda Porter, LPC-S
Mental Health Awareness Isn’t Just for May: How to Keep Caring for Yourself Year-Round
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’ve arrived at the end of it. Each year, May brings reminders to check in with ourselves and others, to reduce stigma, and prioritize our mental wellbeing. While I value the message, I also want to remind us that mental health support shouldn’t be seasonal. Sustainable healing and emotional health is ongoing and it is an integral part of self-care.
At Root and Ember Counseling, I believe that mental health isn’t just about reacting to your needs in the moment, it’s about tending and creating a relationship with yourself that is lifelong. Here are a few ways to intentionally care for yourself and nurture your self-relationship throughout the months.
Make Your Mental Health an Ongoing Ritual, Not Just a Response
It’s natural to seek support when in a crisis, but just like you wouldn’t wait for an emergency to see your regular doctor, you don’t have to wait for a breakdown to care for your mental health. Here are some ways to ritualize ongoing care:
Morning check-ins: “What do I need today?”
5-minute grounding routines (body scan, stretching, deep breathing)
Journaling to self-reflect as things come up for you throughout the day as a way to externally process
Listening to your body when it wants to rest, eat, drink, use the restroom, laugh, play, smile, be angry, be happy, be sad, dance, and flow
2. Learn to Recognize Small Signs of Distress
Clients often tell me they felt “fine” one moment and overwhelmed the next. Sometimes that can be true and sometimes there were signs in between that were often missed like subtle shifts in mood, energy, or behavior. It takes practice, time, and patience to notice them. Developing a self-relationship and learning to recognize these signs early can help you care for yourself and prevent burnout. Here are some signs that something may be off:
Feeling disengaged and numb
Avoiding others or avoiding tasks
Difficulty focusing or making decisions
Feeling irritable, feeling guilt, feeling shame
3. Talk About Mental Health with Others
Reducing stigma requires real conversations not just public campaigns. Ways to foster openness:
Vulnerability often begets vulnerability so if you feel safe to, share openly about your own experiences
Ask loved ones how they’re actually doing and actively listen
Avoid comparisons and dismissive responses like, “At least you didn’t…”
Normalize emotions and therapy as part of everyday life
4. Customize Your Self-Care to YOUR needs
Don’t let social media tell you that self-care is just bubble baths and retail therapy. While those are still needed, deeper self-care is trauma-informed. It’s about letting YOUR specific nervous system tell you what it genuinely needs to feel regulated and safe. Self-care is not always soothing, it’s about what will support you long-term even when it’s uncomfortable. This can look like:
Setting boundaries with others and feeling guilt, yet sitting with that discomfort because long-term it’s what your nervous system needs to feel safe
Saying no to social plans even though originally you had wanted to go, but now you’re not really feeling up to it and it’s okay to change your mind
Letting yourself cry without judgement (no that’s not necessarily a “menty b”)
Moving your body in ways that bring relief (walking, stretching, yoga, shaking, stimming, dancing, etc.)
Doing less, not more
5. Seek Ongoing Support That Feels Safe
Therapy isn’t just for specific problems, it’s also for self-exploration, unlearning, and reconnecting with yourself. Whether you’re wanting to heal from past trauma, struggling with shame, or just curious about what’s going on in your inner world, having a consistent therapeutic relationship can be really powerful for mental wellness. At Root and Ember Counseling, you don’t have to wait for a crisis to come up, your healing matters every day. If you’re ready for someone to walk alongside you, I’m here to help. Schedule a free consultation today.
Sam Villarreal
Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Melinda Porter, LPC-S
Can I Benefit From Trauma Therapy If I Don’t Remember Anything “Bad” Happening?
“Trauma.” It’s a daunting word and one that we hear often these days, but what does it actually mean? According to the American Psychological Association (APA), trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, crime, natural disaster, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence, death of a loved one, war, and more. The APA states that “immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical” and “longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea.”
Examples of traumatic experiences might include being a victim of an assault, being in a major accident, or experiencing war. But what if you don’t remember a “terrible event” happening or even have memories to recall from? It simply just means that this definition isn’t all-encompassing and not all trauma is obvious or has a distinct beginning, middle or end. Sometimes the trauma is continuous, repetitive, and subtle and that is when it becomes complex trauma.
The Weight of Complex Trauma
Complex trauma can be defined as:
(1) Repetitive, prolonged, or cumulative stressors
(2) Interpersonal harm - including neglect, abandonment, or emotional abuse often by caregivers or trusted adults
(3) Developmental vulnerability times in life, especially in childhood or adolescence, though it can also occur in adulthood through attachment injuries and relationship wounds.
Instead of one clear traumatic event, complex trauma is the accumulation of small, painful moments over time. It’s the emotional neglect, the inconsistency in the caregiving one received, the mixed messages, being shamed for feelings, and feeling unsafe over time. It’s not necessarily what happened to you, but what you didn’t receive, which is comfort, attunement, validation, and empathy. These experiences have a subtle, yet significant impact that can shape how someone feels about themselves, how they relate to others, and respond to stress, often without even realizing it.
What Complex Trauma Can Feel Like
Complex trauma can vary in severity from person to person, but here are common signs.
Chronically anxious or shut down
People-pleasing tendencies or perfectionistic tendencies
Struggling with boundaries
Low self-trust
Persistent sense that something is “off”, but not knowing what or why
Oftentimes, I hear clients say things like “but others had it worse” or “I’m just being dramatic” and to that, I say don’t let your own internalized minimization keep you from seeking therapy because therapy isn’t just for the big “T” traumas or crises, it’s also for relational healing, connection to yourself, and clarity that you didn’t deserve the wounds that you received. Your pain is valid.
How Therapy Can Help
Healing from complex trauma takes time, patience, and a lot of compassion for yourself. Modalities like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) can help you reconnect with the parts of you that feel stuck in time, parts that carry shame, fear, or confusion. IFS, one of my favorite approaches, creates space to gently re-parent these parts allowing for unburdening, relief, and inner peace.
If you’re unsure of starting therapy, there are always ways to begin that involve dipping your toe in instead of diving like journaling, exploring self-help books, trying guided meditations, and becoming more curious about the different parts of you. Remember: you do not need to compare your pain to others. Your story matters and you are worthy of support, no matter your lived experiences. If you’re curious about any of my approaches listed in my therapy services page, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free consultation.I’d be honored to walk alongside you in your journey.
Sam Villarreal
Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Melinda Porter, LPC-S
Your Privacy Matters: Why I Opt Out of Insurance Panels as a Private Pay Mental Health Therapist
When seeking therapy, most clients aren’t aware of what happens behind the scenes after a session ends. One of the biggest and often unseen challenges is dealing with insurance companies. Prior to starting my own private pay practice, I worked in an insurance-based group practice, where I saw firsthand the amount of time and effort spent justifying treatment, submitting paperwork, and ensuring that clients could receive quality care at an affordable rate.
However, this process often comes at a cost: client’s privacy and confidentiality can be compromised to meet insurance requirements. Private pay therapy offers a level of privacy and autonomy that insurance-based therapy simply cannot.
When clients pay directly for sessions, their medical records and treatment details are not shared with an insurance company. This means that your personal information is strictly between you and your therapist, which eliminates the risk of possible third party entities accessing information without your knowledge, but with your consent through the insurance company’s fine print.
Here are a few key ways private pay therapy offers greater privacy and autonomy compared to an insurance-based model:
No Mandatory Diagnosis
When using insurance, therapists are required to provide a mental health diagnosis in order to justify the need for treatment so that the insurance company can pay for sessions. This diagnosis becomes part of your permanent medical record and may have implications for future insurance coverage, employment, or legal matters.
With private pay, a diagnosis is not required. This allows therapy to focus on your needs, not the needs of your insurance company’s. This also ensures that your personal records remain confidential.
2. Your Therapy Notes Remain Private
Insurance companies regularly audit therapists’ notes to verify treatment necessity to ensure compliance with their standards and to make sure that you are still meeting criteria for your diagnosis. This means that details from your sessions like what you share, your progress, and even how you present to the session, could be reviewed by a third party without you knowing.
In private pay therapy, what you share stays between you and your therapist. It’s kind of like Vegas, (what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas) giving you the freedom to be open and vulnerable without concern about where your information is actually going.
3. More Control Over Your Care
Insurance companies dictate the session lengths, the session frequency, and sometimes even the type of therapy you can receive based on reimbursement policies. This often results in shorter sessions, limitations on the number of visits, or denials for certain therapeutic approaches even if they would benefit you.
With private pay, you are in full control of your therapy journey. You decide how often you see your therapist, the length of your sessions, and the focus of your treatment. There are no insurance-drive restrictions, which allows therapy to be truly tailored to your individual needs rather than a standardized formula.
With insurance companies, the focus is not on you, it is focused on standardized guidelines and financial considerations. Private pay therapy shifts the focus back to where it belongs: you and your healing process.
While private pay is an investment, it is also a commitment to your privacy and well-being. To support those who wish to use their out-of-network benefits, I provide superbills, allowing clients to seek reimbursement from their insurance providers if they choose. However, I do not work directly with insurance companies—ensuring that your therapy remains a private, confidential space free from third-party interference.
If you'd like to get started talking to a private pay therapist, contact me for a free consultation today.
Sam Villarreal
Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Melinda Porter, LPC-S
Parts Work: What is it?
Have you ever felt conflicted about a situation? Maybe torn between snuggling with your dogs in bed, but needing to get to work because you don’t want to disappoint your boss? Or on deciding to go to the gym to feel better, but that cappuccino ice cream has been calling your name instead? Everyone has different parts of themselves and your parts work together to protect you, your core Self.
You might have heard of parts work, inner child work, or of Internal Family Systems (IFS). These all encompass a way to work with our inner parts similar to bringing your entire family into therapy to learn how to better get along, have better balance, and overall have less conflict between its members. The more traumatic experiences someone goes through, the more polarized and imbalanced their parts tend to be. These parts communicate with us through our bodies via thoughts, emotions, sensations, or impulses.
There are a few categories of parts within a person.
Core Self: This is our natural essence and the north star to all of our parts. The Self emerges when you feel completely safe and centered and it embodies compassion, curiosity, calmness, creativity, clarity, and courage. Until the key parts below learn to trust the Self, it typically cannot take an active role in leading the inner system.
Exiles: These are the vulnerable parts of ourselves that are usually younger in age that hold distressing feelings and beliefs that are learned from experiences we’ve endured. These are the feelings of shame and despair coupled with the beliefs of “I’m bad”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m shameful”, or “I don’t matter” that are always lurking underneath the surface.
We have two types of protector parts, which protect us from our exiles getting activated in distinctly separate ways.
Managers (A proactive protector): This is our resident inner critic, their main job is to run your life, keep your schedule, and make sure you stay “acceptable” by society’s standards. Some examples of how manager parts manifest in our life are people pleasing tendencies, perfectionistic qualities, anxiety, and general overachieving. Managers protect us by keeping everything in line so that we can try our best to control and prevent anything bad from happening that could result in humiliation or abandonment from others, which could activate our exiles.
Firefighters (A reactive protector): This is our ‘douse the pain’ button, their main job is to numb and deflect when anything hits too close to home. Some examples of how firefighter parts manifest in our lives are behaviors like addiction, binge eating, overspending, doomscrolling for hours, having anger issues and self-harm. Firefighters protect us by distracting, creating diversions, and automatically reacting to things so that we can create distance from our pain (our exiles pain) because it’s too hard to face.
Every part is valuable within the system and all parts try their best to protect and keep you safe. Sometimes they can be at odds with each other on how best to go about keeping you safe, which can feel like inner turmoil. Once your parts get to know and trust the core Self, the Self will naturally keep things running smoothly by intervening in conflicts and helping to negotiate things between parts. This work offers a route to resolve inner conflicts, bring balance to our inner world, and promote self-compassion.
An important first step toward this form of healing is to get curious about your different parts. If you resonate with this holistic view of our minds and would like to learn more, please schedule a free consultation with me using the contact form on the site. I would love to get to know you and your parts.
Sam Villarreal
Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Melinda Porter, LPC-S