Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. It can make you feel celebrated for things, accomplishments, or tasks that are perceived as perfect or near-perfect, but the journey getting there is grueling. For a lot of people, perfectionism means achieving so you can be protected from scolding, from feeling “less than”, and from failure or what failure can represent. Mistakes might even feel risky or dangerous, criticism feels like despair, and “good enough” feels like failing. If you resonate with any of this, then perfectionism might be your way of self-protection that you learned early on in life. Here are some ways that perfectionism might protect you.

1. It keeps you from being criticized.

   • “If I do this perfectly, no one can say anything”

2. It prevents rejection.

   • “If I can achieve what everyone else achieved, then I’ll be one of them”

3. It creates a sense of control.

   • When life feels chaotic, controlling the outcome can provide a sense of stability.

4. It protects you from feeling shame.

   • Shame tells you “I am wrong” so by doing things perfectly, it can shield you from being “defective”

5. It distracts you from vulnerability.

   • Staying busy and operating at a high level can prevent you from slowing down and actually feeling all the scary feelings.

6. It keeps you from feeling like you’re a burden.

   • If your needs were minimized by others, you might have learned to be low-maintenance and high-achieving so as to not inconvenience others. This might have led the family to not expect that you might need something from them because you exceeded their expectations.

7. It preserves facets of your identity.

   • Are you “the smart one” or ‘the strong one”? Perfectionism can curate that label and without it, you might feel unsure of who you are.

8. It helps you avoid disappointment.

   • Again, “if it’s perfect and the execution is flawless then I won’t have to feel disappointment from others.”

You may feel annoyed or even dislike that you strive for perfection, but it likely developed to protect a younger you. Healing can happen where this perfectionistic part of you can trust the current you to create your own success without all the self-pressure. You might be thinking “well how can I be successful without my perfectionistic side?” There can still be success without shaming yourself about it and hopefully it’ll eventually feel like relief instead of feeling fear. 

• Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC