The word “boundaries” can feel loaded for a lot of people. Sometimes people can picture a solid wall between two people, someone crossing their arms, or someone just flat-out saying “no”. And sure, sometimes boundaries can sound like that because boundaries exist on a spectrum, but let’s also not be reductionistic about them altogether. If we just equate boundaries to rejection, then we’re missing the point entirely. Boundaries do not exist to push people away, they exist to create relationships where we can actually thrive and coexist securely.

The Myth: Boundaries = Just Saying “No”

Healthy boundaries aren’t commonly taught, modeled or talked about within western society, or your family unit, especially if you grew up in a culture, family, or gender role that prioritized self-sacrifice. Boundaries were usually labeled as “selfish”, which depending on the context and the culture could definitely fit so please take what resonates and leave what does not. Boundaries, in the context of western culture, do not always fit for each person and that’s okay. But here’s the thing, when we treat boundaries as only about shutting people down, we end up overloaded, resentful, and quietly disappearing from our lives without an identity of our own, just that of our families.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries show up in so many places, not just in conversation with others, but in body language, in self-esteem, and in relationship with yourself. A few examples are:

• Physical Boundaries: These protect your physical space and body, your right not to be touched, to have privacy, and to meet physical needs like rest.

  • An example of this: You move away if someone sits too close to you or saying, “I’m not up for a hug right now” when someone approaches you for a hug.

• Sexual Boundaries: These protect your right to consent, ask for what you want sexually, and ask about your partner’s sexual history among other things. 

  • An example of this: Letting your partner know how often, where, and in which context you’d like to be intimately touched or having a personal sexual boundary that you do not have sex on first dates.

• Emotional/Mental Boundaries: These protect your right to have your own feelings and thoughts, to not have your feelings criticized or invalidated, and to not have to take care of other people’s feelings and thoughts (which is staying accountable for your own feelings without feeling responsible for other people’s). These also protect from not oversharing personal information that may be inappropriate for the level of closeness in a particular relationship.

  • An example of this: When a friend inquires about something that you’re not ready to share yet and you say, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this right now” or sharing with your spouse that you felt embarrassed when they brought up something personal in front of their adolescent and would like them to do so in private next time. 

• Spiritual/Religious Boundaries: These protect your right to believe in what you want, worship as you wish, and practice your spiritual and religious beliefs. 

  • An example of this: Joanne going to a specific church alone because their partner doesn’t share their beliefs or someone taking a moment to silently pray before they eat regardless if other people pray with them. 

• Financial/Material Boundaries: These protect your financial resources and material possessions, your right to spend money as you choose, to not give/loan money or possessions if you do not want to, and your right to be paid by an employer as agreed upon.

  • An example of this: Someone being on a budget so they bring their lunch from home and refrain from eating out for lunch or someone verbally reminding their roommate to not borrow their car without asking.

• Time Boundaries: These protect how you spend your time, protect you from agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, having others waste your time, being overworked, and overall protecting your energy.

  • An example of this: Reserving your evenings for family time once you’re off of work and setting all work notifications on do not disturb during those times or letting a friend know that you can help run errands with them this weekend, but you’d need to leave by 3:00 PM.

• Relational Boundaries: These are agreements that you set in relationships with others like how often you’re available to text or communicate with, what feels respectful for you, things that you need to feel safe in relationship with others.

  • An example of this: Letting monogamous partners know that infidelity is a deal-breaker and you won’t be able to continue the relationship if they cheat or letting your mom know that your children won’t be coming over to her house since one of your kids is allergic to cats, but she is welcome to come over to your house. 

• Internal/Self Boundaries: These are ones that you set with yourself like how you speak to yourself, how long you’ll doom-scroll, or how much money you have set aside to spend on fun things this month. 

  • An example of this: Telling yourself that you’ll go on a walk in 15-minutes and actually following through with it or setting screen time boundaries for social media apps so you don’t doom scroll for hours at a time. 

Boundaries as Acts of Care and Why They Feel Hard

Boundaries are not punishment, they are structure, routine, and self-love. When you say “I need to leave by 9”, what you’re really saying is, “I want to be present with you AND also take care of myself so I don’t resent you later and then blame myself for not leaving earlier”. When you stop saying yes to every request, the yeses you do give carry more authenticity. Boundaries keep relationships safe, honest, and sustainable. They make room for more authentic connection and not less. 

If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, then you’re doing it right and you’re not alone. Some common reasons that this feels hard include:

• Fear of conflict or rejection

• People pleasing tendencies (survival strategy)

• Trauma that blurred your sense of self vs. others

It makes sense if your body goes into panic mode just thinking about disappointing someone by setting a boundary for yourself. It’s not a weakness, it’s just conditioning.

Building Healthier Boundaries Without Feeling Guilt (There’s No Way Around Feeling That Guilt)

Unfortunately, you’re going to feel guilt whether you like it or not. The more you build up your boundaries, the less guilt that you will feel because it won’t be so conditioned anymore to be boundary-less.. Here are some ways to start:

• Check in with your body: Notice resentment, exhaustion, or tightness in your chest (signs that you might need a boundary)

• Start small: Try phrases like, “I can’t commit to that right now” or, “I need some time to think on it” or, “I need some downtime tonight”

• Practice consistency: Boundaries are a continual process, not a one-and-done thing. It’s a muscle that you strengthen over time. 

• Give yourself permission: Your needs are valid AND your needs are equal to everyone else's, not less than so quit putting your needs and wants below others. 

Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re not about rejecting others, or cutting people out. They’re like bridges we build to make connections deeper and safer with others. When you set a boundary, you’re saying, “Here’s how I can show up fully and authentically with you.” and that is the opposite of selfish, it’s the foundation of secure, healthy love, for yourself and your chosen people. The hardest thing to accept is when people don’t respect your boundaries because it says everything about them, not about you. If you struggle with setting boundaries, struggle with the discomfort of sitting in the guilt of holding a boundary, I’d love to set up a complimentary consultation with you here. 

• Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC