How to Work With (Not Against) Your Inner Critic
If you’re in therapy (or thinking about starting), you probably already know that one of the loudest internal voices we wrestle with is the inner critic.
It’s the part of you that says:
“You’re not trying hard enough.”
“You’ll just embarrass yourself if you speak up.”
“No one likes you”
Clients often tell me their inner critic feels relentless, like it’s either in the driver’s seat or yelling in their ear nonstop. That can be exhausting, and it makes sense you’d want to get rid of it altogether, but here’s the thing: the critic isn’t the enemy. Your inner critic is a part of you that, at some point, learned to protect you, even if its methods are harsh.
Step 1: Understand What the Critic Wants
The inner critic didn’t appear out of nowhere. It usually develops as a survival mechanism, helping you to avoid mistakes, rejection, and/or danger by becoming an untrained security guard: overbearing, anxious, and not very nuanced. In therapy, I often ask clients to pause and consider: “What is this part of you trying to do for you?” Instead of “How do I make this voice shut up?”.
For example:
The critic says, “Don’t speak up in this meeting.”
Underneath, it’s really saying, “I want to keep you safe from rejection or judgment.”
That reframe can take the sting out so instead of just hearing the attack, you begin to see the protection behind why this part does what it does..
Step 2: Separate the Critic from the Whole Self
A critical thought can feel like the truth, but it’s not your entire identity. It’s one part of you. Just one piece of the beautifully complex whole that makes you, you. You can acknowledge its commentary without agreeing with it.
I often suggest using language like, “A part of me believes I’m not good enough,” instead of, “I’m not good enough.” That small shift creates distance to help you see the critic as just one perspective at the table, not the only voice.
Step 3: Bring in Other Parts of You
In session, we might explore what other parts are available. Maybe the compassionate part. Maybe the wise, grounded part. Maybe even the playful part.
You can try asking yourself:
What would I say to a close friend if they had this thought?
What would the most loving part of me say to this?
How would I respond if a younger version of me felt this way?
This isn’t about silencing or dismissing the critic, it’s about having multiple perspectives at the table, like the parts of you that are supportive and compassionate. By widening the conversation, you reduce the inner critic from hogging the mic.
Step 4: Shift the Relationship, Not Just the Thought
A lot of clients are surprised when I tell them: the goal isn’t to erase the inner critic. The harder you try to silence the inner critic, the louder it often gets. Once you treat this part with respect, curiosity, and maybe even gratitude then it softens and there is more room to have a dialogue. Imagine these parts as inner people, we wouldn’t want to ignore a physical person, that usually is hurtful and counterproductive to building trust and knowing why they acted the way they did.
Instead, try acknowledging it:
“I hear you. You’re worried about me failing.”
“Thanks for trying to protect me, but I want to try this anyway.”
You’re not agreeing, you’re accepting and communicating with your inner critic; just like you would with a physical person when you want to further the relationship after a rupture. You’re letting the critic know you hear its concern, but you’re choosing to lead with a different part of yourself.
Step 5: Practice in Small Moments
Therapy is where we can practice together, but your everyday life is where the real change happens. Don’t wait until the next big job interview to experiment with this, we need to build trust with our inner parts in order to begin to change what they’ve been so used to doing. Start with something small and manageable as to not overwhelm you or your parts:
When you make a small mistake and feel inner criticism rise up.
When you hesitate to send a text, practice responding internally to this part of you.
When you’re learning something new, catch the commentary.
Every time you notice, pause, and respond differently, you’re building new neural pathways in your brain. This neurologically strengthens your ability to lead with compassion and understanding rather than fear since we often fear what we don’t understand. Over time, the critic can soften and become more of an inner coach where it offers opinions in a supportive way, but ultimately you feel more in charge.
Closing Thoughts
Your inner critic may always be there, but it doesn’t have to run the show. In therapy, we can work on transforming it from a relentless judger into a cautious advisor you listen to without obeying.
Healing doesn’t mean eliminating parts of yourself. It means learning to work with them in a way that honors both your need for safety and your capacity for growth. It's integrating and befriending all of the parts of ourselves because as Carl Rogers said “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”. If you struggle with understanding and befriending your inner critic, I’m here to help you get there using IFS/parts work therapy. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today.
👉 Question for readers: When was the last time your inner critic spoke up, and how did you respond?
🎵 Inner Critic by Citizen Soldier
Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC