You Don’t Have to Earn Rest Before You Take It
This has come up in many of my sessions with many different types of clients, but they all have been struggling with the same theme. They cannot rest if they haven’t felt that they have “deserved it”. This can mean making sure their daily tasks are completed, that they feel “productive”, that they are able to do the things they told other people about, etc. Rest is NOT a reward for being productive enough, useful enough, or exhausted enough. You are allowed to rest before you've finished everything on your list. (Reread that last sentence please)
The Guilt of Resting
Where does this come from? It can come from many things, but most likely from a generational gift of hustle culture. Maybe you saw your parents do this or your grandmother or your siblings, but it goes something like this. You finally sit down, and instead of relaxing, your brain starts listing everything you should be doing like the dishes aren't done, you haven't replied to that text, work could always use another hour, or you haven't been “productive” enough today. What even is “productive enough”?
This is the norm for so many of us, rest has become something we have to earn rather than something we are allowed to need. Yes, we NEED rest just like we need water and nourishment.
Why Rest Can Feel Uncomfortable
Where does this overall belief come from? Here are just a few origin stories:
Growing up being praised for being helpful or productive (a hard one to deconstruct)
Learning that being busy = being valuable
Feeling responsible for everyone else's needs
Capitalist/productivity/hustle culture
Trauma responses that equate slowing down with vulnerability or danger
Perfectionism and the belief that there is always something else to improve (perfectionism is a nice cover for fear of failure, which is a deeper wound to unpack)
What is Rest, Actually?
I think a lot of people can confuse rest with doing nothing or being passive, but it isn't the same as doing nothing or being passive. Rest is an active thing to put yourself at peace. There are actually many types of rest like:
Physical (sleep, napping)
Mental (short mental breaks throughout a work day like doodling, journaling, playing a phone game)
Sensory (no screen time, lights off, sounds off, stimulation break)
Emotional (authentically expressing emotions instead of masking like when someone asks how you’re doing and instead of responding with “fine”, saying how you actually feel)
Social (knowing our limits when socializing)
Creative (arts and crafts, writing, singing, building, creating)
Spiritual (engaging in spiritual activities like praying, meditating, yoga, or witchcraft)
Rest doesn’t always have to be laying down, it can be:
Sitting in the car with your coffee
Taking a slow walk
Watching something purely because you enjoy it
Journaling
Making something
Taking a nap
Saying no to plans
Having an afternoon with nowhere to be
The point isn't about what you do, but how you feel doing it and if you’re actually okay with existing instead of producing.
Some Things to Try
You’ll probably hear your inner critic loud and clear when you do try to rest, but you can gently talk to that inner voice and let it know that you’re trying something new and to trust you. Here is a journal prompt to get you started:
What would happen if “I have done enough for today” didn't require you to prove it?
Make sure that you are resting BEFORE you become exhausted so that it’s not a reactive rest and more of a preventative rest. You don't have to wait until you're burned out, sick, resentful, or completely overwhelmed to take a break.
Rest isn't something you earn after you've taken care of everyone and everything else. Rest is part of taking care of yourself and you have to take care of yourself at the same rate as everything else or else resentments build, burn out overwhelms, and you lose the ability to even know what your needs and wants are. This is all about preventatively taking care of yourself instead of leaving yourself as an afterthought.
Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC