If you grew up in a family where boundaries were foreign, the holidays can feel extra tense. Old wounds can flare up, guilt becomes the main feeling, and suddenly you’re doing things you swore you were done with like overly pleasing people and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Here are some simple ways to navigate holiday gatherings when you’re still learning that the word “no” doesn’t make you a bad person. 

1. Notice the patterns you automatically fall back into when around family and pick one pattern to interrupt. Just one interruption is enough.

   1. Like saying yes before you even check in with yourself

   2. Feeling emotionally responsible for everyone else

   3. Making yourself smaller to avoid conflict

   4. Compensating for childhood power dynamics

2. Set one single boundary, not 10. Start small and start with what matters most to you.

   1. “I can come, but I’m leaving at 8 pm.”

   2. “I’m not talking about whether or not I’ll have kids.”

   3. “I won’t be drinking this year and I’m not open to discuss it.”

3. Expect discomfort when feelings of guilt and tension arise. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision, it just means that historically you’ve been the “easy one” and you’re disrupting the default dynamics. 

   1. Their discomfort does not mean you need to reverse the boundary you set

   2. Your anxiety does not mean you’re doing something wrong

   3. Default dynamics will try to pull you back in, so anticipate it, but don’t enable it

4. Have a backup plan for when you need to step away to ground yourself

   1. Let a friend know that if you message them during this date around this time that you are in need of their support to help with grounding

   2. Step outside to re-regulate

   3. Take a longer bathroom break and sit on the ground to breathe

   4. Reassure yourself by acknowledging the guilt and that you’re taking care of yourself in this way

5. Practice authenticity and honesty, but in a simple and clear way.

   1. “I won’t be able to make it this year, but hopefully next year.”

   2. “I’m not discussing that right now.”

6. Aftercare, aftercare, aftercare! Boundary-setting is hard so take time to review and reward yourself afterward.

   1. What went better than I expected?

   2. Where did I sell myself short?

   3. What do I want to keep practicing?

   4. What does my body need from me right now?

If you end up trying some of these, just know that building internal safety takes time and practice makes progress.

• Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC