Mental Health Blog : Therapy Tips, Coping Tools & Insights

5 Things Self-Love is Not (According to a Trauma Therapist)

Happy February, it’s love month! During this month, we often think of partnered love, but let’s focus on self-love for once. And no it isn’t just taking yourself on solo dates, although that is empowering, it goes a little deeper than that. Be prepared to feel a little called out (with all the love)! Here are 5 things self-love is not, according to me, a trauma therapist.

1. Self-love is not constant positivity aka toxic positivity.

You don’t need to be grateful all the time. You don’t need to compare your pain to others and look at the bright side. Feeling all the emotions like anger, grief, jealousy, sadness, or numbness doesn’t mean anything bad, it means you're a human being. Forcing positivity can increase feelings of shame and emotional suppression and that is the opposite of self-love. Self-love allows for all emotions to be expressed without judgement.

2. Self-love is not people pleasing or self-sacrificing.

Saying yes to keep the peace even when your body and internal thoughts are screaming at you to say no is not kindness. It’s more self-harm in order to be agreeable or palatable to others. Consistently ignoring your needs is a trauma response not being selfless. True self-love includes boundaries, even if it’s uncomfortable.

3. Self-love is not fixing yourself to be more “acceptable”.

Healing out loud is empowering. Healing is becoming the version of yourself that may look different for others, but better for yourself. It’s not about becoming quieter or more convenient for others. It all starts with self-acceptance.

4. Self-love is not avoiding or suppressing pain.

Skipping over anger and grief to get to forgiveness and gratitude can delay the process of healing altogether which can keep trauma further stuck in the body. Allow yourself to feel what you feel in the moment you feel it at the pace that your body is capable of.

5. Self-love is not aesthetic or doing things for performance.

It’s not bubble baths, dining alone, ideal photo ops, or perfectly curated wellness routines especially if those things are used to avoid the things we aren’t willing to accept yet. While these things are supportive, they are not substitutes for rest, boundaries, in-depth trauma work, emotional honesty, or nervous system regulation. If self-care starts to feel like an obligation or something you just check off your list, it’s time to sit down and reassess.

Self-love is often quieter, messier, and less public-friendly, but it’s also more honest, real, and more sustainable.

Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC

Holiday Boundaries for People Who Were Never Allowed to Have Them

If you grew up in a family where boundaries were foreign, the holidays can feel extra tense. Old wounds can flare up, guilt becomes the main feeling, and suddenly you’re doing things you swore you were done with like overly pleasing people and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Here are some simple ways to navigate holiday gatherings when you’re still learning that the word “no” doesn’t make you a bad person.

Notice the patterns you automatically fall back into when around family and pick one pattern to interrupt. Just one interruption is enough.
1. Like saying yes before you even check in with yourself
2. Feeling emotionally responsible for everyone else
3. Making yourself smaller to avoid conflict
4. Compensating for childhood power dynamics
Set one single boundary, not 10. Start small and start with what matters most to you.
1. “I can come, but I’m leaving at 8 pm.”
2. “I’m not talking about whether or not I’ll have kids.”
3. “I won’t be drinking this year and I’m not open to discuss it.”
Expect discomfort when feelings of guilt and tension arise. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision, it just means that historically you’ve been the “easy one” and you’re disrupting the default dynamics.
1. Their discomfort does not mean you need to reverse the boundary you set
2. Your anxiety does not mean you’re doing something wrong
3. Default dynamics will try to pull you back in, so anticipate it, but don’t enable it
Have a backup plan for when you need to step away to ground yourself
1. Let a friend know that if you message them during this date around this time that you are in need of their support to help with grounding
2. Step outside to re-regulate
3. Take a longer bathroom break and sit on the ground to breathe
4. Reassure yourself by acknowledging the guilt and that you’re taking care of yourself in this way
Practice authenticity and honesty, but in a simple and clear way.
1. “I won’t be able to make it this year, but hopefully next year.”
2. “I’m not discussing that right now.”
Aftercare, aftercare, aftercare! Boundary-setting is hard so take time to review and reward yourself afterward.
1. What went better than I expected?
2. Where did I sell myself short?
3. What do I want to keep practicing?
4. What does my body need from me right now?

If you end up trying some of these, just know that building internal safety takes time and practice makes progress.

Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC