5 Things Self-Love is Not (According to a Trauma Therapist)
Happy February, it’s love month! During this month, we often think of partnered love, but let’s focus on self-love for once. And no it isn’t just taking yourself on solo dates, although that is empowering, it goes a little deeper than that. Be prepared to feel a little called out (with all the love)! Here are 5 things self-love is not, according to me, a trauma therapist.
1. Self-love is not constant positivity aka toxic positivity.
You don’t need to be grateful all the time. You don’t need to compare your pain to others and look at the bright side. Feeling all the emotions like anger, grief, jealousy, sadness, or numbness doesn’t mean anything bad, it means you're a human being. Forcing positivity can increase feelings of shame and emotional suppression and that is the opposite of self-love. Self-love allows for all emotions to be expressed without judgement.
2. Self-love is not people pleasing or self-sacrificing.
Saying yes to keep the peace even when your body and internal thoughts are screaming at you to say no is not kindness. It’s more self-harm in order to be agreeable or palatable to others. Consistently ignoring your needs is a trauma response not being selfless. True self-love includes boundaries, even if it’s uncomfortable.
3. Self-love is not fixing yourself to be more “acceptable”.
Healing out loud is empowering. Healing is becoming the version of yourself that may look different for others, but better for yourself. It’s not about becoming quieter or more convenient for others. It all starts with self-acceptance.
4. Self-love is not avoiding or suppressing pain.
Skipping over anger and grief to get to forgiveness and gratitude can delay the process of healing altogether which can keep trauma further stuck in the body. Allow yourself to feel what you feel in the moment you feel it at the pace that your body is capable of.
5. Self-love is not aesthetic or doing things for performance.
It’s not bubble baths, dining alone, ideal photo ops, or perfectly curated wellness routines especially if those things are used to avoid the things we aren’t willing to accept yet. While these things are supportive, they are not substitutes for rest, boundaries, in-depth trauma work, emotional honesty, or nervous system regulation. If self-care starts to feel like an obligation or something you just check off your list, it’s time to sit down and reassess.
Self-love is often quieter, messier, and less public-friendly, but it’s also more honest, real, and more sustainable.
Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC