Mental Health Blog : Therapy Tips, Coping Tools & Insights

Holiday Boundaries for People Who Were Never Allowed to Have Them

If you grew up in a family where boundaries were foreign, the holidays can feel extra tense. Old wounds can flare up, guilt becomes the main feeling, and suddenly you’re doing things you swore you were done with like overly pleasing people and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Here are some simple ways to navigate holiday gatherings when you’re still learning that the word “no” doesn’t make you a bad person.

Notice the patterns you automatically fall back into when around family and pick one pattern to interrupt. Just one interruption is enough.
1. Like saying yes before you even check in with yourself
2. Feeling emotionally responsible for everyone else
3. Making yourself smaller to avoid conflict
4. Compensating for childhood power dynamics
Set one single boundary, not 10. Start small and start with what matters most to you.
1. “I can come, but I’m leaving at 8 pm.”
2. “I’m not talking about whether or not I’ll have kids.”
3. “I won’t be drinking this year and I’m not open to discuss it.”
Expect discomfort when feelings of guilt and tension arise. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision, it just means that historically you’ve been the “easy one” and you’re disrupting the default dynamics.
1. Their discomfort does not mean you need to reverse the boundary you set
2. Your anxiety does not mean you’re doing something wrong
3. Default dynamics will try to pull you back in, so anticipate it, but don’t enable it
Have a backup plan for when you need to step away to ground yourself
1. Let a friend know that if you message them during this date around this time that you are in need of their support to help with grounding
2. Step outside to re-regulate
3. Take a longer bathroom break and sit on the ground to breathe
4. Reassure yourself by acknowledging the guilt and that you’re taking care of yourself in this way
Practice authenticity and honesty, but in a simple and clear way.
1. “I won’t be able to make it this year, but hopefully next year.”
2. “I’m not discussing that right now.”
Aftercare, aftercare, aftercare! Boundary-setting is hard so take time to review and reward yourself afterward.
1. What went better than I expected?
2. Where did I sell myself short?
3. What do I want to keep practicing?
4. What does my body need from me right now?

If you end up trying some of these, just know that building internal safety takes time and practice makes progress.

Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC

How to Build Belonging in a Disconnected World

You may be wondering, are we really disconnected if we’re more connected than ever? I know, I know social media is great (in moderation). It keeps us connected to people close to home and across the world that we otherwise would never have met, yet so many of us still feel lonely. We’re connected, but not in connection. We scroll, engage, maybe put on a mask for others to perceive, but rarely feel seen, accepted, or valued for our whole selves. More often than not, we feel known only for the version of us that fits neatly on screen or is palatable to others.. So, how do we rebuild belonging and find the type of community that nourishes our souls instead of drains our battery?

1. Start with Self-Belonging

Ah, the cliche, “it starts with you”. I’m sorry, not sorry. It really does have to start with you. Seeing and accepting the parts of yourself that you don’t necessarily get along with like the anxious part, the part that wants too much, or the angry part is the first step. Once we stop hiding behind “easier” versions of ourselves and start offering those parts some compassion, we’ll feel more self-belonging.

2. Quality Over Quantity

A big friend group can be beautiful, but belonging doesn’t require a crowd. Start with one quality human to get real with versus a baker’s dozen. Choose humans where you can create deep relationships with where you can bring your full self including those parts of you that you’ve recently shared compassion with. That may mean starting slowly with intentionality and building up that relationship to make the foundation more solid rather than spilling your guts before you’ve even met their cat IRL.

3. Vulnerability is Not a Weakness

Vulnerability is an invitation to belonging. When we share our fears, likes, dislikes, concerns, mistakes, and desires, you give permission for others to do the same. It’s not oversharing, it’s inviting others into your truth. That’s how trust and then belonging actually form.

4. Values, Values, and More Values

We find depth-oriented relationships and real connection when we share values, not just interests. Whether it’s a book club, a Discord server, a spiritual circle, or a creative space, seek out environments that honor authenticity, likemindedness, and growth (or any other values that resonate with you). Surround yourself with people who want to evolve with you, not just hang out near you.

5. Reciprocity and Collectivism

Belonging is mutual and it’s not something that you have, but something that you build through action. That means showing up for others, listening, holding space, and offering care not because you have to, but because you’re invested in each other’s well-being. Although boundaries are beneficial, it can be taken too literally like a barrier (that’s not what we want). Connection requires participation. Sometimes that means showing up even when you’re tired and don’t feel like it, but trusting that they’ll do the same when it’s your turn to need support.

Belonging in our modern-day society is choosing preference and connection over performance. It’s choosing curiosity over judgement and compassion over convenience. You deserve that kind of belonging, first with yourself and then with others.

P.S. Stay tuned for my next blog post, where I’ll share some tangible ways to find community in everyday life.

Sam Villarreal, MS, LPC, LCDC